As a kid my only resentment toward god was for having been “born with the truth.” I envied those who were born lost and had to get found.
I manifested this envy by losing my faith and taking a 15 year journey into the wilderness. Many of my bad turns along the way can be seen as little microcosms of the overall manifestation of this envy I have for those who learn via their own experience.
Do I always have to get lost in order to figure something out? Do I only learn the hard way?
I was thinking about how necessary adversity seems to be to my success. I feel better on minimal amounts of food, and feel better when taking cold showers. I don’t CHOOSE this stuff though; I will gorge myself with food and will take a 45 minute hot shower if given the choice. I feel better when I run out of food and thus have to go without, or when I find a way to force cold showers.
I do better on minimal time and resources.
As a business person I have recognized that I am a “war time” leader but not really a peace time leader. I just do better when things are bad.
I think there are ways to change this. Basically I’m creative and good under constraint and I have to manufacture constraint and pressure.